Make it or break it.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 12:12 AM

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After one year on Paxil (antidepressant), I've found it suppressed my daydreaming tremendously. Now that I've stopped taking it, I realize how much it actually diminished them. Without daydreaming as much, I started to feel empty.. and without my daydreams, I'm nothing more than everyone else. And I don't want to be like everyone else. No one else has a world inside their head they can escape to and make up stories when they can't handle real life. What do they do? Is that the people who drink and do drugs?

I don't want to start taking the medication again;  I don't want to lose my daydreams anymore and become like "everyone else." However, I need it because I have social anxiety disorder and so far, this is the only medication that's actually helped. I made so much progress last year and to throw it all away for daydreaming seems silly but I don't know what to do.
After a month of no medication, the MD has been coming back steadily building itself back up little by little, brick by brick inside my head building it's own fortress. Even before, I didn't have that much of a desire to daydream but now it's as if I need to make up for lost time.

 I believe daydreaming on a scale like we do takes a tremendous amount of brain power and I'm thinking so much faster than I did before. How is it that we're so careful to not forget the aspects of our daydreams and make up a character's dialogue so fast? If only I could take my MD brain power and put it towards school, haha.



Dear X,

All I want to do/feel like doing is be with you, have you holding me and be loved. I miss you; I'm infinite miles from you but you're here with me now. Procrastination is just longing to be with you. Laziness is just wanting you to hold me.. and unhappiness of reality if happiness with you. Even if no one's listening, you're always listening as if I said every word out loud. In reality, I hear your voice loud and clear echoing in my mind as if you're next to me. Sometimes, I get the feeling as if I'm in the wrong place or body. Maybe I've tricked my brain into thinking I'm someone else. It's screwing with my emotions but I really don't care about myself. I care about you.
But sometimes, it's not enough to just hear you in the depths of my mind. I want to see you. 

i miss him.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 5:02 PM

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There are times where I long for the time period of bad times in which I've suffered through. When I look back then, my daydreams are most colorful and vivid. It was June 2008 where I specifically remember creating my dreams and crafting Boy X. It's been four years and I never go one day without looking back at that time. I never had to try for him to be there. 
I keep a journal in which I have "letters" I've written to Boy X. In the next blog entry, I'll post one.

That's not Boy X.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 3:14 PM

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This real boy.. His hazel eyes; his black hair and his tan complexion were all too familiar. I shouldn't have let myself so hard fall for him. I didn't know what I was getting into. I should've told myself from the beginning that's not Boy X. I fell into a false relationship based on nothing. And he let me fall. I feel as if no one can measure up to Boy X and I'm starting to doubt real life relationships. I've been so attatched to false people; I just don't know how to act anymore. I can't control anyone in real life but I don't want to sink back into my world. I keep blowing off hanging out with my friends because I just can't handle it. All I know is that relationships aren't how they used to be before I had MD. Somewhere along the way, I've lost myself.

In my real world of teen angst, I feel out of place. I can't stand peer pressure and my friends are all about dating, whos dating who, etc. I was forced into making out with some guy to avoid looking like some asshole.*excuse language. D; * It's times like this where I wish Boy X were real.

btw;; i'll be making a tumblr to link with my blog soon. :)

I've got a pocketful of sunshine.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 2:15 PM

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 This was supposed to post in October. >_>

I got a pocket,
got a pocket full of sunshine
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine
oh.oh,oh
Do what you want,
but you're never gonna break me,
sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
oh,oh,oh

[Chorus]
Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)
This used to be my favorite song when my md first started. I knew I had a secret place; my own untarnished work of creativity; uncontaiminated by the negativity of everyday life.
Lately, I've been very nostalgic about my daydream world from when it first started. I remember when my eyes would rip & shread reality apart looking for anything to incorporate into my pocketful of sunshine. 

Since I've started my anxiety medication, daydreaming has become nothing more than a blur of memories with a dry storyline & characters. It's my pocketful of sunshine only when I need it. It's getting harder to dip below into the bottomless ocean of dreaming. But I'm drowning in my emotions.

Reality vs. Daydreaming - Round one *ding ding*

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 9:15 PM

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(this entry is old, i don't know why it didn't post, from a couple weeks ago.)
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

Avril Lavigne - Nobody's home.

Summer break
 Usually where I fall in my bed, ignore the rest of the world and focus on mine. Today I had to be daydreaming for at least 6 hours. I've been busy and have had no time to go that in depth to my world like I did today.
The more I daydream, the more I'm feeding the monster hiding beneath the hazel eyes and tan skin, Boy X. He's running me; he's ruining me.  He's feeding off every single negative detail in my life, boxing it up and taping it over until I look in the box. Do not drop, contents fragile. The box is ugly inside. I'm not ready to open the box yet.

This summer is different than any other before. I'm going out with friends more and that's a big + on the social side but I feel dislocated going out. It's fun and all but under neath, it's breaking me inside. Boy X doesn't like it. He's tearing through my skin, shredding my emotions and gnawing at my mind until I tend to him. He doesn't want me to interact with real people? stupid stupid stupid. So, I had to leave a party early because of this. I felt soo bad for leaving for such a stupid reason. I'm guessing I should build up to social interactions and limit daydreaming.
Reality vs. Daydreaming Round one. *ding ding*














Paxhell paxil.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 8:54 PM

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(This was supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago, wtf. I don't know why it didn't post.)
I'm sooo sorry I haven't written forever, but hey, I have 7 followers now, yay.

      My life has been so busy during the last couple of months I have nowhere to start. I've been prescribed Paxil (30 mgs) for social anxiety & generalized anxiety. It's helped tremendously with my social life but the downside is that its helped with the daydreaming too. I do still daydream, but it is a bit more controllable and the storylines are crappier than they were. Sorry Boy X.
 On the other hand, I've met new friends. New friends brings new drama. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stay inside my mind or go out with real people. I feel alienated sometimes. I can't tell people what to say, think or do.
If I stay out too long, I get this feeling like I've been gone too long from my world. Reality overdose, complete with hangovers. The feeling drags into my stomach and continues until I go home. I can't stay out for long. D; 
Is any other mental disorder this ridiculous?

Expressed through art.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 6:20 PM

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Ack! I keep forgetting to write. I've been daydreaming soo much, that's understandable right? I'll make up for it the next couple weeks. (4 followers, yay. :) )
This semester, I'm trying a new class: painting.
I've been trying to release my creativity in other ways other than daydreaming to see if it works.
Maybe painting will help me express my creativity more and I'll daydream less, who knows.. but I keep daydreaming and messing up my paintings, haha. I've tried writing some fantasies down but they're just so darn complicated.
 
My storyline is running dry. I've played through all scenarios I can think of over a span of 3 years but of course I'll always think of more. I'm so tempted to create another world. Deeper story line, deeper characters, deeper away from reality.

It'll be 3 years this month since I've started Maladaptive daydreaming. I remember when I started so well. It's odd because I daydream more during certain seasons like spring and summer. I guess it's because my world takes place mostly during spring and summer and during fall and winter I forget what it all actually looks like. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. :/ lol

I really want to go see the movie suckerpunch -- It sounds just like maladaptive daydreaming:
A young girl is institutionalized by her wicked stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the facility.
I've written a part of a screenplay about maladaptive daydreaming but I heard it's hard to get producers to even look at a screenplay. :/
& I'm young, hah. 

sorry I haven't been writing as much. :/ don't worry, I'll make up for it, hah.




Lost.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 8:41 PM

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I'm encased in a hard shell of something with no value. Creativity & imagination.
It's colorful, black and white and hot and cold all at the same time.  
To normal people, imagination is nothing more than a word with a definition.

It's nothing more than a string of letters that forms a word.
and it certainly isn't worth more than what you are.

I've started writing a book about MD. Who knows? Maybe I might help out a lost girl like me.



A couple days ago, I came to the realization that I may get kicked out of highschool and put into an alternative highschool if I don't pull my grades up. :/ I don't want to sit down for 5+ hours and do homework. That's just time I could spend daydreaming, right?
The stress of highschool is building. More stress, more daydreams. 
I'm tired of life. I just want to lay down, daydream and never come back. I'm going no where with MD. I'm not even motivated to do anything anymore. :/
Flunk out of school? Still have my daydreams. Get a bad job? Still have my daydreams. It I apply this to any dilemma, I still have the same outcome. There's another world in my head I'm still discovering. Is any dilemma in real life going to slow me down much? no.


I thought this was kind of interesting. Did Nicki Minaj have Maladaptive daydreaming?


To escape her real life problems she would create characters and live her life through them.[39] In an interview with New York she stated, “[t]o get away from all their fighting, I would imagine being a new person. "Cookie" was my first identity—that stayed with me for a while. I went on to "Harajuku Barbie", then "Nicki Minaj". Fantasy was my reality.”[39]


I don't know.. but it sounded kind of close and I thought it was interesting.
Imagine if she did, she could make this problem become much more well known than it is.

If anyone has an aim, feel free to add me. :D
imaginedlifex












3 shoes

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 8:19 AM

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I haven't been daydreaming as much about my usual world lately.
  My usual dreams about this guy I like in real life but I'm too shy to say anything to him. :/ I daydream we're at the park, pool or somewhere and it's perfect. I don't know if this could make it easier to talk to him if I daydream I'm talking to him.. I usually try not to daydream about real people 'cuz I think it leads to a distorted view of reality.

I've never realized how much daydreaming has made real life so absent in color. It's like I lay down and daydream for a couple hours and come back to my real life then look around  the room at the pale wallpaper and bare floor.. it's like what the hell is this? I should be ashamed of myself running from the real world which people call "beautiful" I don't see how beautiful it is right now, but I used to.

I had a dream the other night I was carrying 3 shoes. According to dream dictionary, dreammoods.com,
In general, shoes represent your approach to life. Wearing shoes in your dream, suggests that you are well-grounded or down to earth. If you are changing your shoes, then it refers to your changing roles. You are taking a new approach to life.

Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, self-exploration and experience.

 Maybe this dream means I'm supposed to use creativity & imagination to walk through life.. I don't know what this means.
I want to go on a daydream binge today but I have things to do.. If I supress the daydreaming, it only makes it harder to cope with real life. 
I've started listening to different music and I really like this one song:
Within Temptation - Our solemn hour

 
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