Make it or break it.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 12:12 AM


After one year on Paxil (antidepressant), I've found it suppressed my daydreaming tremendously. Now that I've stopped taking it, I realize how much it actually diminished them. Without daydreaming as much, I started to feel empty.. and without my daydreams, I'm nothing more than everyone else. And I don't want to be like everyone else. No one else has a world inside their head they can escape to and make up stories when they can't handle real life. What do they do? Is that the people who drink and do drugs?

I don't want to start taking the medication again;  I don't want to lose my daydreams anymore and become like "everyone else." However, I need it because I have social anxiety disorder and so far, this is the only medication that's actually helped. I made so much progress last year and to throw it all away for daydreaming seems silly but I don't know what to do.
After a month of no medication, the MD has been coming back steadily building itself back up little by little, brick by brick inside my head building it's own fortress. Even before, I didn't have that much of a desire to daydream but now it's as if I need to make up for lost time.

 I believe daydreaming on a scale like we do takes a tremendous amount of brain power and I'm thinking so much faster than I did before. How is it that we're so careful to not forget the aspects of our daydreams and make up a character's dialogue so fast? If only I could take my MD brain power and put it towards school, haha.

Dear X,

All I want to do/feel like doing is be with you, have you holding me and be loved. I miss you; I'm infinite miles from you but you're here with me now. Procrastination is just longing to be with you. Laziness is just wanting you to hold me.. and unhappiness of reality if happiness with you. Even if no one's listening, you're always listening as if I said every word out loud. In reality, I hear your voice loud and clear echoing in my mind as if you're next to me. Sometimes, I get the feeling as if I'm in the wrong place or body. Maybe I've tricked my brain into thinking I'm someone else. It's screwing with my emotions but I really don't care about myself. I care about you.
But sometimes, it's not enough to just hear you in the depths of my mind. I want to see you. 

i miss him.

Posted by TwistedFantasies | Posted in | Posted on 5:02 PM


There are times where I long for the time period of bad times in which I've suffered through. When I look back then, my daydreams are most colorful and vivid. It was June 2008 where I specifically remember creating my dreams and crafting Boy X. It's been four years and I never go one day without looking back at that time. I never had to try for him to be there. 
I keep a journal in which I have "letters" I've written to Boy X. In the next blog entry, I'll post one.